"Don't prevent states from fixing my cell phone problems," someone who signed their name "Donald Trump" wrote to the Federal Communications Commission in June of 2005.

"Here, hold my hairpiece for a minute while I take this call from California—" the filing continues. "what? You think cell phones should be regulated somehow? Disclosure? Costs? You crazy? Hell, I'll NEVER allow California to do any such thing! . . . YOU'RE FIRED!"

As someone who searches for and reads FCC proceeding statements a lot, I run into many FCC filings signed by people who comment as celebrities, noted historical figures, or even as dirty words. Most, but not all, are creatively mangled Web form comments provided by public interest groups on specific issues.

 

"I'm a dead Communist, but I don't want to pay more for my telephone service!" declared "Leon Trotsky" in an FCC statement submitted in March of 2005.

"I urge you to reject a flat fee proposal that would change how contributions are made to the Universal Service Fund," Mr. Trotsky's comment concludes. "I am concerned that this proposal could make my current service unaffordable."

"Leon Trotsky / 6 feet under / Mexico City," the letter is signed.

Ironically, the man alleged to have put Mr. Trotsky six feet under also communicates with the FCC.

"This isn't the USSR, this is the USA. Don't Dictate," one "Joseph Stalin" wrote to the FCC in August of this year. "Net Neutrality is essential to free speech, equal opportunity and economic innovation in America."

Mr. Stalin seems quite preoccupied with FCC policy in the post-Soviet era. He can even be a bit poetic as well.

"NO MORE CONTOL FOR THE GOV," the Comrade Marshall's rather e.e. cummingseque rant, circa 1998, begins:

"every time the is anew free
resouce the gov lockes it down
(pornography on the internet why cant
people chose what is acceptable fo thier children)
imposing regulatoins on it if
thats what you want
you should have tyranical soviet
communism"

Not everybody who comments with the FCC is a dead Marxist-Leninist. Famous leaders of the capitalist world also file, and they can be equally pugnacious. For example, I've heard that President George W. Bush can be rude, but there ought to be limits.

"This is the President of the United States Bitch!" a July 2007 filing on net neutrality opens.

"The FCC must ensure that broadband providers do not block, interfere with or discriminate against any lawful Internet traffic based on its ownership, source or destination," the communique concludes, then signs off:

"BITCH DO WHAT I SAY
- Love
Bush"

Pretty nasty, but not as nasty as Mr. or Ms. "Fuck the FCC," who wrote to express outrage at having his/her first name banned from radio and television.

"you assholes can go straight to fucking hell... your no better than IMUS ruining his career ... fucking dushebags," the statement begins.

You get the idea. Don't worry. I won't quote the rest.

Those of you who find such commentary upsetting will be pleased to know that "Jesus Christ" files with the FCC from time to time.

For example, Mr. Christ wrote to the Commission in late April to congratulate its latest Chair, Kevin Martin, on his appointment. He also asked Mr. Martin to consider various sorts of Universal Service Fund reform.

"Jesus Christ / up above lane / Heaven, Florida 33156-2115," the Son of Man's missive concluded.

On the other hand, Jesus apparently wasn't in such a good mood in November of 2001 when writing to the FCC about its media ownership rules.

"Your intention of striking yet another blow to media-monopoly regulations that somewhat protect the always wavering freedom of knowledge and expression of the people of your nation," Our Savior wrote. "YOUR 'god' approves, but GOD God is angry. Satan awaits (good guy, that Satan)."

And the Redeemer was clearly at His Worst in 2003 when filing about digital intellectual property protections.

"YOUR A BUNCH OF FAGGOTS," he declared. "NO ONE IS GONNA BUY YOUR PIRACY BULLSHIT EQUIPMENT. FUCK OFF AND FUCK YOU!"

Clearly, even the most saintly FCC filer has bad days. But in some instances it isn't so easy to tell whether a celebrity's name has been hijacked.

For example, I rather doubt that, given her recent travails, "Miss Paris Hilton" actually sent a statement to the FCC this year against media consolidation. But who knows?

"I don't want the same company that owns my TV station or my radio station to also own my newspaper I would just get the same news all over again," the commentary begins.

"I rely on the media to find out about national and local issues. . . . " Miss Hilton continues. "I also want media outlets in my town to care about my needs and interests."

Come to think of it, that last sentence sounds a lot like Paris Hilton, actually.